By: Dr. Cheri Locke, PhD, MA, LPC-S, CST, CCTP
Over the past decade working with couples, I’ve come to understand something that many people experience but few talk about: the quiet complexity of unwanted consensual sex.
It’s that moment when someone says “yes” to sex—not because they’re aroused or excited—but because they feel like they should. Maybe it’s to avoid conflict. Maybe it’s to prevent hurting a partner’s feelings. Maybe it’s just easier than saying “no” again. And while consent is technically there, the desire is not. This phenomenon is what we call Unwanted Consensual Sex (UCS), and it’s far more common than most people think—across genders.
We tend to associate sexual compliance or “giving in” with women, and yes, research shows many women in committed relationships have engaged in sex they didn’t want for the sake of emotional peace, relationship maintenance, or because they were taught that a “good” wife doesn’t say no. But the truth is, men experience UCS too—often in silence, and often with added layers of shame.
Let me be very clear: unwanted consensual sex is not the same as coercive or forced sex. This is not about sexual assault or abuse. It’s about situations where the person agrees—sometimes with reluctance or resignation—to have sex they don’t really want. It exists in that grey zone, where bodies may be present but hearts aren’t fully in it.
The Gendered Layers of Unwanted Consensual Sex
In my work, women often describe UCS through the lens of emotional caretaking. Many have absorbed messages from a young age that their sexuality is meant to please others. They worry about being seen as cold, withholding, or “not enough” if they say no. Some even fear rejection or abandonment. For them, UCS can feel like the price of love or the cost of keeping peace.
Men, on the other hand, face a different kind of social scripting. Many grow up hearing that they should always want sex. That saying no makes them less masculine or desirable. When men engage in UCS, they may do so out of obligation, fear of disappointing their partner, or because they don’t feel like they have the right to turn sex down. I’ve heard men say things like, “I wasn’t in the mood, but I didn’t want her to feel bad,” or “If I say no, she’ll think I don’t find her attractive.”
Here’s the kicker: both men and women often struggle to name these experiences. They don’t necessarily see it as problematic—or even as a pattern—until the emotional toll builds up. Over time, UCS can lead to resentment, disconnection, a loss of desire, and a deep sense of being unseen or misunderstood.
Why We Need to Talk About Unwanted Consensual Sex
Bringing UCS into the conversation is about making space for nuance and honesty in our intimate lives. Saying “yes” to sex we don’t want doesn’t make us bad partners. It makes us human. But when it becomes habitual—when it’s driven by fear, guilt, or obligation rather than true desire—it can erode the very intimacy we’re trying to protect.
I often tell couples: sexual desire is not a duty; it’s an invitation. And healthy sex isn’t just about consent—it’s about enthusiastic consent. It’s about both people feeling like they want to be there, not just that they have to be.
So how do we begin to shift this?
Start by getting curious about your own “yes.” Ask yourself: Do I want this, or do I feel like I should? Notice how your body feels when you agree to sex. Talk with your partner—not just about sex, but about the unspoken expectations, scripts, and emotional needs that might be influencing it.
Therapy can help too, especially if UCS has become a pattern. In couples work, we explore the emotional undercurrents, gender roles, communication gaps, and personal narratives that shape these dynamics. Healing begins with understanding.
Awareness About Unwanted Consensual Sex
Unwanted consensual sex isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness. It’s about recognizing that even in loving, committed relationships, people sometimes give more than they want to—and that both men and women carry invisible scripts that tell them how they’re “supposed” to show up sexually.
But you’re allowed to want sex. You’re allowed to not want it. You’re allowed to say no, even if you said yes yesterday. And you’re allowed to expect intimacy that is mutual, connected, and real.
Let’s keep talking about the stuff that matters—especially the stuff no one talks about.
Begin Sex Therapy In Katy, TX
If you are consenting to sex that is not wanted and would like help in creating a different sex life, Cheri can help! She provides counseling to individual men, women, and couples. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
- Contact the office to set up an appointment or to get more information about counseling for individuals or couples.
- Meet with Cheri.
- Find ways to improve your relationship!
Cheri is dedicated to helping people with their mental health needs. Couples counseling is an effective way to help you and your family to grow and develop as healthily as possible. Sessions can be held in person or via Telehealth. We are here for you!
Other Therapy Services
Cheri offers counseling services for adult individuals, including: anxiety treatment, depression treatment, relationship help, and divorce recovery. She specializes in couples therapy and helps with specific issues such as: infidelity, intimacy and sexual health, and parenting. Cheri strives to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health
