Bids for Connection

By: Simron Biswas

If you’ve ever been in couples’ counseling, you might have heard the phrase “bids for connection.” In the context of relationships, a bid for connection describes any request for attention, support, or connection from one person to another. Dr. Gottman, a psychologist who specializes in relationship and marriage stability, finds that bids for connection are an integral part of healthy, long lasting relationships— romantic or otherwise. The more bids you notice and respond to, the more connected you and your partner feel to one another. When an emotional bid is welcomed and received warmly, the bidding partner feels supported and safe in the relationship. On the other hand, bids that go unnoticed or dismissed can prove detrimental for the stability of a relationship, especially if these “missed bids” pile up.

What are Bids for Connection?

Now, you generally know what a bid for connection is. It’s when your partner reaches out to you for an emotional connection, right? Well, it can often be a bit trickier to identify than that. Rarely does someone directly say to their partner “I want to establish a connection with you right now.” Instead, people often make bids indirectly, and it can be as simple as reaching for your partner’s hand, talking about your crappy lunch meeting, or asking how you look in a new dress. Any simple gesture, question, affirmation, call or text could be your partner attempting to ask for a moment of connection.

Types of Bids for Connection

Unfortunately, with the hustle and bustle of life, it’s too easy to miss bids from your partner, especially the small ones. But if it’s not going to be obvious, how are you supposed to know what a bid looks like? Well, it’s easy to imagine what a bid for connection might be like coming from a child. Look at the picture I drew! Play with me! Listen to what happened at school today! Children are constantly asking for love and attention from their caregivers. Adults are no different in this regard—we all have emotional needs we wish to be met by our loved ones. Here are just a few ways you might make a bid for connection.

1. “Chat with me”

Sharing pieces of your daily life with your partner is a common way to connect, especially after a long day. For example, you might come home and say something like “You will not believe the day I had today…” or “Do you remember my cousin Diane? Well, yesterday she…” and hope that your partner welcomes the conversation warmly.

2. “Do something with me”

Spending quality time with your partner is important to keeping the spark in the relationship alive. You might ask to take a walk around a park with your partner, or attend a spin class together, or even something as simple as help with laundry. Ultimately, you want to know that your partner enjoys your company.

3. “Support my interests and accomplishments”

Even adults need validation and support from their loved ones. You might ask your partner if they enjoyed the dinner you made for them or if they like a picture you painted. Either way, you’re looking for an indication that your partner appreciates you and the things you do.

Responding to Bids for Connection

In general, there are three different ways you can respond to a bid for connection: turning towards, turning away, and turning against. Let me illustrate with an example:

Suppose that you keep a vegetable garden as a hobby. Your summer tomatoes are ready for harvest, so you call your partner out to come look. At that moment, your partner can respond in one of three ways. They can come to admire your tomatoes and tell you what a wonderful job you’ve done with the garden; turning towards your bid. Alternatively, they could completely insult your tomato garden and say something like “Why don’t you actually do something productive for once?”; turning against your bid. Lastly, they could just yell “I’m busy!” from inside the house, without ever attempting to come outside; turning away from the bid. This is possibly the most hurtful, because it leaves no opportunity for interaction, positive or negative.

Sometimes, bids for connection will manifest in unexpected ways. For example, your partner might make a complaint like “I feel like you never listen to me.” It’s easy to see how this could be interpreted as an attack and lead to an argument, leaving both people feeling upset. But surprisingly, this complaint could actually be a bid for connection. You can understand it as such if you try to imagine an ideal response: “Oh no, I never knew you felt that way. What can I do to make you feel heard?” It takes a lot of effort and self-assurance to answer with concern and empathy in this situation, but the relationship will ultimately be stronger for it. It will allow your partner to voice their concerns and allow you a chance to take care of your partner.

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