By: Dr. Cheri Locke, PhD, MA, LPC-S, CST, CCTP
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Isn’t this just how it’s supposed to be?” about your sex life — but deep down, something doesn’t feel quite right?
That’s probably a sexual script talking.
Sexual scripts are the unspoken “rules” we all absorb about how intimacy should work — often without even realizing it. They come from family messages, media, religion, culture, and even our earliest relationship experiences. And while some scripts can be helpful (like expecting mutual respect), others quietly create pressure, guilt, or disconnect that can build over time.
Some common sexual scripts might sound like:
- “Men should always want sex more than women.”
- “If you really love your partner, you’ll always say yes.”
- “Good sex is spontaneous and effortless.”
- “Sex should end in orgasm, or it wasn’t successful.”
When couples live by these silent scripts without ever examining them, sex can start to feel more like a performance than a genuine connection. You might notice yourself feeling obligated rather than excited, disconnected rather than close.
So Where Do These Scripts Come From?
For most of us, they start forming long before we ever enter a relationship. Think about the movies you watched growing up, the advice you heard from family, the religious or cultural values around intimacy you absorbed. Often these messages are indirect, but powerful. They set a template for what’s “normal,” “expected,” or “desirable.”
The good news? You’re not stuck with the scripts you inherited. You can rewrite them — and it starts by becoming aware of them.
Here’s How to Begin Rewriting the Scripts:
1. Notice the “Shoulds”
Start paying attention to moments when you think, “I should want this,” or “I should be doing it this way.”
Those “shoulds” are often where silent scripts live. Instead, get curious: Whose voice is this? Is this really what I believe and want, or something I was taught?
2. Talk Openly With Your Partner
Once you start noticing your scripts, invite your partner into the conversation. You could say something like:
“I realized I sometimes feel pressure to be the one who initiates — not because I want to, but because I think I’m supposed to. Have you ever felt that way?”
Approach the conversation with curiosity, not blame. Remember: you both absorbed scripts — it’s not one person’s fault.
3. Define New, Shared Scripts
Together, you can create new understandings of what intimacy means in your relationship. Maybe it’s agreeing that desire doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be valid. Maybe it’s realizing that intimacy can be playful, not just serious. Maybe it’s giving each other explicit permission to say no without guilt.
Writing your own script doesn’t mean throwing out everything you’ve learned. It means intentionally choosing what fits you now — and leaving behind what doesn’t.
Here are some questions you and your partner can explore:
- What does satisfying sex mean to you today?
- How do you like to give and receive affection?
- What would help you feel more free, safe, or playful during intimacy?
- Are there any old ideas about sex you’d like to let go of?
4. Be Patient With the Process
Changing scripts takes time. You might find yourself slipping into old patterns occasionally — that’s normal. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s growth and awareness. The more you notice and talk about it, the easier it gets.
And remember: sexual intimacy isn’t about meeting some external standard. It’s about creating something that feels true, connected, and fulfilling for you and your partner.
When you rewrite the silent scripts, you reclaim your right to an authentic, evolving sex life — one that fits the real you, not the version you were told to be.
Begin Couples Counseling In Katy, TX
If you find that you and your partner want to learn more about sexual scripts, Cheri can help! She provides counseling to individual men, women, and couples. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
- Contact the office to set up an appointment or to get more information about counseling for couples.
- Meet with Cheri.
- Find ways to improve your relationship!
Cheri is dedicated to helping people with their mental health needs. Couples counseling is an effective way to help you and your family to grow and develop as healthily as possible. Sessions can be held in person or via Telehealth. We are here for you!
Other Therapy Services
Cheri offers counseling services for adult individuals, including: anxiety treatment, depression treatment, relationship help, and divorce recovery. She specializes in couples therapy and helps with specific issues such as: infidelity, intimacy and sexual health, and parenting. Cheri strives to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health issues.
